A Letter to my Grandmother

I have these periods where I am angry at you. Angry that you left, that you weren't strong enough, that you couldn't hold on a little bit longer. You hurt so many of us by leaving. Do you know what we had to go through because you left?! Do you know the chain of events that happened because you decided to check out? It's not fair that you got to go home without us. It's not fair that we couldn't go with you. You left us here to mourn, to cry, to hurt, to suffer. We all split apart after. No one got along. There was fighting all the time over the most trivial things. Why couldn't you have been stronger? Why couldn't you have lasted longer and saved us all this pain? What is the point of all of it? You left and I couldn't see you anymore. You weren't there at my graduation ceremonies, you weren't there when I turned sweet sixteen or became an adult. You weren't there to see me get accepted into college. You missed so much. I wanted you there. I needed you there. I get so angry with you because I miss you so much. You would think that time would ease the pain, but after six years it's still hard to even mention you out loud without shedding tears. I feel like I should be able to talk about you because I love you so much, but it hurts too much. I miss you so much that hurts me deeply. You were my stronghold; you were my safe place. I could go to you and escape from my troubles. If mom and dad were fighting again, I could go see you and be safe. After you died, I had no where to retreat to. Things got worse here. So much worse, so fast. I had to grow up so quickly because you left. I had to be more responsible because mom cracked under the weight of your loss. I had to step up and be strong for everyone. Christmas is the hardest without you. It was too painful for us to all get together anymore with your death being so close to the holiday. Christmas is just a reminder that you are gone. I count the days until Christmas is over so that I do not have to be so sad. Six years of this. You loved getting to see everyone and us all being together, but now that you're gone I don't see the point. You were the thing that held us together. The reason why we all met and celebrated. It's just too hard without you.


I think this anger stems from just how much I miss you. It's selfish of me I know, but I don't think you realized that you were the glue holding all of us together. You were the sweetest person I have ever known. I love you so much. My anger does not compare at all to the love I have for you. I tell myself that you can see me from heaven. I believe this even if somehow it isn't true. But I think you would have found a way to watch all of us anyway. That's how you were. You loved us all so much. I hope you can see all the things I did and am doing. I hope you are proud of me. I hope you know that every time I get up and sing, I think of you. I sing to God and I sing to you because I know how proud you would be of me singing. Because you had such a love of singing and such a marvelous gift for it. I think about you all the time. I love you so much grandma! I hope you know this! I can't wait to see you again one day!

Helen Marie Paulk
September 5, 1924 - November 19, 2005