A Great Find

I was reading through different blogs and things that people were posting on the internet and I came across this one. I'm not sure who exactly wrote it; I couldn't find a name which sucks because I would love to give her credit for her work. I'm guessing it's either a letter or maybe like a journal entry. But I think the emotion in it is amazing. There is this pull between love and hate and hearts being torn and beaten. I love how real it is and how she's not only wrestling with this guy, but with herself as well. I had to share it for those of you that like heavy emotion. So I hope you like it as much as I do. It is rather sad so be prepared.

"You say you're in love? Bull. You don't even know what love is. You are blinded by desire. You have been deceived yet you can't see it. She's not good for you. You think she is, but you don't know her. Not really. Actually you barely know anything about her. Your heart has been lied to and your mind has been tampered with. She has made you look like a fool. You think she truly cares about you? Ha! That's funny. All she's looking for is another guy to fall at her feet and worship her. She will drag your heart around on a leash. If she loved you, she would be with you. You look so stupid! She is playing you dear. She could not care less about you. Do you know what you put me through everyday? Wondering if you're going to talk to her or see her. Knowing that it's wrong, yet I have to put on a smile and act like it's fine. I tried telling you, but you were already too far gone. You have torn my heart out and have butchered it. I'm no better than you really. You have my heart on a leash. You're dragging it along, loving the sound it makes knowing that I'll always be right there whenever you beckon for me. You have ruined it. A love that could have been endless and perfect. You have tainted and abused it. If only you would get your head out of your rear and realize the things you have in front of you. Someone that is really going to love you no matter what. Someone that knows how to live with your quarks. She doesn't even know and if she did, she wouldn't understand you. This love could still happen. It's not hopeless. There is multitudes of work to be done to revive it, but the hope is not lost. You two don't belong together. I pray for the day when you see that. She'll probably have to be the one that cuts the cord because you're too far gone. She will use up all of your love and leave you out in the cold with a black and dried up heart. She will take it all and destroy it so that no one else will ever be allowed to come in. Your heart will be gone forever. She will ruin you. So if you want to die, go for it. I'm sorry that she's going to kill you. Don't act like I didn't warn you."

A Letter to my Grandmother

I have these periods where I am angry at you. Angry that you left, that you weren't strong enough, that you couldn't hold on a little bit longer. You hurt so many of us by leaving. Do you know what we had to go through because you left?! Do you know the chain of events that happened because you decided to check out? It's not fair that you got to go home without us. It's not fair that we couldn't go with you. You left us here to mourn, to cry, to hurt, to suffer. We all split apart after. No one got along. There was fighting all the time over the most trivial things. Why couldn't you have been stronger? Why couldn't you have lasted longer and saved us all this pain? What is the point of all of it? You left and I couldn't see you anymore. You weren't there at my graduation ceremonies, you weren't there when I turned sweet sixteen or became an adult. You weren't there to see me get accepted into college. You missed so much. I wanted you there. I needed you there. I get so angry with you because I miss you so much. You would think that time would ease the pain, but after six years it's still hard to even mention you out loud without shedding tears. I feel like I should be able to talk about you because I love you so much, but it hurts too much. I miss you so much that hurts me deeply. You were my stronghold; you were my safe place. I could go to you and escape from my troubles. If mom and dad were fighting again, I could go see you and be safe. After you died, I had no where to retreat to. Things got worse here. So much worse, so fast. I had to grow up so quickly because you left. I had to be more responsible because mom cracked under the weight of your loss. I had to step up and be strong for everyone. Christmas is the hardest without you. It was too painful for us to all get together anymore with your death being so close to the holiday. Christmas is just a reminder that you are gone. I count the days until Christmas is over so that I do not have to be so sad. Six years of this. You loved getting to see everyone and us all being together, but now that you're gone I don't see the point. You were the thing that held us together. The reason why we all met and celebrated. It's just too hard without you.


I think this anger stems from just how much I miss you. It's selfish of me I know, but I don't think you realized that you were the glue holding all of us together. You were the sweetest person I have ever known. I love you so much. My anger does not compare at all to the love I have for you. I tell myself that you can see me from heaven. I believe this even if somehow it isn't true. But I think you would have found a way to watch all of us anyway. That's how you were. You loved us all so much. I hope you can see all the things I did and am doing. I hope you are proud of me. I hope you know that every time I get up and sing, I think of you. I sing to God and I sing to you because I know how proud you would be of me singing. Because you had such a love of singing and such a marvelous gift for it. I think about you all the time. I love you so much grandma! I hope you know this! I can't wait to see you again one day!

Helen Marie Paulk
September 5, 1924 - November 19, 2005