A Great Find

I was reading through different blogs and things that people were posting on the internet and I came across this one. I'm not sure who exactly wrote it; I couldn't find a name which sucks because I would love to give her credit for her work. I'm guessing it's either a letter or maybe like a journal entry. But I think the emotion in it is amazing. There is this pull between love and hate and hearts being torn and beaten. I love how real it is and how she's not only wrestling with this guy, but with herself as well. I had to share it for those of you that like heavy emotion. So I hope you like it as much as I do. It is rather sad so be prepared.

"You say you're in love? Bull. You don't even know what love is. You are blinded by desire. You have been deceived yet you can't see it. She's not good for you. You think she is, but you don't know her. Not really. Actually you barely know anything about her. Your heart has been lied to and your mind has been tampered with. She has made you look like a fool. You think she truly cares about you? Ha! That's funny. All she's looking for is another guy to fall at her feet and worship her. She will drag your heart around on a leash. If she loved you, she would be with you. You look so stupid! She is playing you dear. She could not care less about you. Do you know what you put me through everyday? Wondering if you're going to talk to her or see her. Knowing that it's wrong, yet I have to put on a smile and act like it's fine. I tried telling you, but you were already too far gone. You have torn my heart out and have butchered it. I'm no better than you really. You have my heart on a leash. You're dragging it along, loving the sound it makes knowing that I'll always be right there whenever you beckon for me. You have ruined it. A love that could have been endless and perfect. You have tainted and abused it. If only you would get your head out of your rear and realize the things you have in front of you. Someone that is really going to love you no matter what. Someone that knows how to live with your quarks. She doesn't even know and if she did, she wouldn't understand you. This love could still happen. It's not hopeless. There is multitudes of work to be done to revive it, but the hope is not lost. You two don't belong together. I pray for the day when you see that. She'll probably have to be the one that cuts the cord because you're too far gone. She will use up all of your love and leave you out in the cold with a black and dried up heart. She will take it all and destroy it so that no one else will ever be allowed to come in. Your heart will be gone forever. She will ruin you. So if you want to die, go for it. I'm sorry that she's going to kill you. Don't act like I didn't warn you."

A Letter to my Grandmother

I have these periods where I am angry at you. Angry that you left, that you weren't strong enough, that you couldn't hold on a little bit longer. You hurt so many of us by leaving. Do you know what we had to go through because you left?! Do you know the chain of events that happened because you decided to check out? It's not fair that you got to go home without us. It's not fair that we couldn't go with you. You left us here to mourn, to cry, to hurt, to suffer. We all split apart after. No one got along. There was fighting all the time over the most trivial things. Why couldn't you have been stronger? Why couldn't you have lasted longer and saved us all this pain? What is the point of all of it? You left and I couldn't see you anymore. You weren't there at my graduation ceremonies, you weren't there when I turned sweet sixteen or became an adult. You weren't there to see me get accepted into college. You missed so much. I wanted you there. I needed you there. I get so angry with you because I miss you so much. You would think that time would ease the pain, but after six years it's still hard to even mention you out loud without shedding tears. I feel like I should be able to talk about you because I love you so much, but it hurts too much. I miss you so much that hurts me deeply. You were my stronghold; you were my safe place. I could go to you and escape from my troubles. If mom and dad were fighting again, I could go see you and be safe. After you died, I had no where to retreat to. Things got worse here. So much worse, so fast. I had to grow up so quickly because you left. I had to be more responsible because mom cracked under the weight of your loss. I had to step up and be strong for everyone. Christmas is the hardest without you. It was too painful for us to all get together anymore with your death being so close to the holiday. Christmas is just a reminder that you are gone. I count the days until Christmas is over so that I do not have to be so sad. Six years of this. You loved getting to see everyone and us all being together, but now that you're gone I don't see the point. You were the thing that held us together. The reason why we all met and celebrated. It's just too hard without you.


I think this anger stems from just how much I miss you. It's selfish of me I know, but I don't think you realized that you were the glue holding all of us together. You were the sweetest person I have ever known. I love you so much. My anger does not compare at all to the love I have for you. I tell myself that you can see me from heaven. I believe this even if somehow it isn't true. But I think you would have found a way to watch all of us anyway. That's how you were. You loved us all so much. I hope you can see all the things I did and am doing. I hope you are proud of me. I hope you know that every time I get up and sing, I think of you. I sing to God and I sing to you because I know how proud you would be of me singing. Because you had such a love of singing and such a marvelous gift for it. I think about you all the time. I love you so much grandma! I hope you know this! I can't wait to see you again one day!

Helen Marie Paulk
September 5, 1924 - November 19, 2005

I Love the Way You Hold Me

One of the main ways I connect to God is through music. Whether it is the lyrics of a song, a melody, or just a certain rhythm, something about music helps me explain things. I surround myself with music because it's how I get my emotion out. I tend to keep things bottled up, but I can explain how I'm feeling through songs and music.

Today as I was driving home from school, I was listening to Pulse FM and this awesome song came on. I had heard it maybe once or twice before, but this time I really listened to the lyrics. The song is called "I Love the Way You Hold Me" by Jamie Grace. Here are the lyrics:

"I've had a long day, I just wanna relax
Don't have time for my friends, no time to chit chat
Problems at my job, wonderin' what to do
I know I should be working but I'm thinking of you and

Just when I feel this crazy world is gonna bring me down
That's when your smile comes around

Oh, I love the way you hold me, by my side you'll always be
You take each and every day, make it special in some way
I love the way you hold me, in your arms I'll always be
You take each and every day, make it special in some way

I love you more than the words in my brain can express
I can't imagine even loving you less

Lord, I love the way you hold me
Whoa, oh, I love the way you hold me
Whoa, oh

Well ya, took my day and you flipped it around
Calmed the tidal wave and put my feet on the ground
Forever in my heart, always on my mind
It's crazy how I think about you all of the time

And just when I think I'm 'bout to figure you out
You make me wanna sing and shout

I love the way you hold me, by my side you'll always be
You take each and every day, make it special in some way
I love the way you hold me, in your arms I'll always be
You take each and every day, make it special in some way

I love you more than the words in my brain can express
I can't imagine even loving you less

Lord, I love the way you hold me
Whoa, oh, I love the way you hold me
Whoa, oh

I'm so grateful and thankful for all you've done
Wish I could tell you in a short story or poem
But all I have is my voice and this guitar
And you have my heart

Oh, I love the way you hold me, by my side you'll always be
You take each and every day, make it special in some way
I love the way you hold me, in your arms I'll always be
You take each and every day, every day, every

I love the way you hold me, by my side you'll always be
You take each and every day oh-so-special
I love the way you hold me, in your arms I'll always be
You take each and every day, make it special in some way

I love you more than the words in my brain can express
I can't imagine even loving you less

Lord, I love the way you hold me
Whoa, oh, I love the way you hold me
Whoa, oh
Oh, I love

I love, I love, I love, I love the way you hold me
I love, I love, I love, I love the way you hold me
I love, I love, I love, I love the way you hold me, hold me, hold me."

One of the first things I noticed about this song is the way it was written. It seems like a song written to a boyfriend almost. But as you realize that it is written to God, it gets so awesome because it is so much more special than a song written like that. Sure we can write songs about people we like, but how cool is it that Jamie Grace, instead of writing a song about a boy, wrote a song about Jesus holding her. Not some boy who is human and sins, but God, the creator of the universe. He is holding us! Doesn't that make you want to just snuggle up to Him? He loves us so much that He holds us!

Two lines that stood out to me were these: "I know I should be working but I'm thinking of you" and "It's crazy how I think about you all of the time." It just reminded me of how we can let our thoughts get so caught up in other things like who's cute, or who we like, and all that stuff that's distracting. But here, Jamie says that she is distracted by Jesus! Jesus is on her brain, she is thinking about Him all the time. How amazing is that?! I want to be distracted by Jesus!

I could go on and on about this song because it speaks to me so much, but I'll stop here and let you figure out what the song means to you. I'd love to hear what you got out of it. :)
Here's the YouTube video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ISgr8SgCYbY&feature=related

My Psalm of Praise

For my Biblical Interpretation class we were assigned to write our own psalm. My professor said that we were to use some kind of theme (praise, lament, thanksgiving, etc.) for our specific psalm and then explain what the meaning was behind our psalm.

Luckily, I had just come back from the Impact Retreat where God did some amazing things in my personal walk with Him. I used what He showed me there to write this:

God I am in awe of your ways!

Your truth makes me want to shine like the morning sun

That spreads light across the earth.

Lord, your love is not conditional like the love of the world.

Instead it is endless like the number of stars in the sky.

You never give up on me

Even when I try to take control.

Your forgiveness is forever

And your will is perfect.

All glory, honor, and praise be to you, My Father!

I want to share what God was showing me while on the retreat. I know I am obviously so far away from perfect, but I hope that maybe through sharing this it will be a witness to someone.

On Saturday of our retreat, we were told to go somewhere on the camp grounds for an hour. We were to take this time and spend it in God's word and in prayer and just hanging out with Him. Looking back on it now, I honestly did not think that anything super substantial was going to happen besides reading a cool passage and applying it to now. I was so wrong. Doesn't it make sense though that God would use that time to do something so amazing because I wasn't expecting it? I think God likes surprising us.

Anyway, I decided to spend my time with Jesus on the playground (I wanted to get that sense of child-like faith back). As I was spending time with Him, He told me that I needed to make a decision about what I wanted most in my life. He knew that something was on the list before Him. It's not that I didn't want Him to be first, but I had an earthly desire that I wanted. The thing I wanted more than anything in my life was a family. I wanted to be married and have a bunch of kids and be the best wife and mom ever. In my head, I struggled for so long when it came to being ready for heaven. I would always try to bargain with God (which doesn't work by the way). I would tell Him something like, "God, I'm ready for heaven, but just let me have my family first." Or I would say, "God, You can come back whenever You want, but just not before I have my family." Now I obviously know that just because I prayed that didn't mean that God was going to listen to me, but I guess I felt like if I believed it enough it would happen.
Back to the playground. God called me out. He told me that I was holding this higher than Him. That's when I did one of the hardest things in my life. I gave it up. It was more than just saying it. As tears ran down my face, I told God that I loved Him more. I gave up having a husband. I told Him I wanted Him more. Thinking of how it would feel to be pregnant, I put my hand on my stomach and said, "God, I give up my babies for you." I said this out loud, barely able to get the words out because of my crying. (I may have looked dumb, but I didn't care. This was a huge moment).
I decided to be all in. I am all in. Nothing is holding me back. There is nothing I want more in life than Jesus. No earthly desire can compare to Him. It has taken me a long time to get to this place. I know that I can never stop growing, but I have gotten to the place where I have no earthly desire or experience holding me back.
After this giant step forward for me, God wasn't done. I asked Him what this meant. What was the next step? I laugh thinking about this (God makes me laugh all the time because He's hilarious), but God then told me that He wasn't going to tell me what's next. He wasn't going to reveal His next step because I would try to take it into my own hands and then end up screwing it up.
Yup. So that's where I am right now. I challenge you to think about the earthly desires in your life that may be holding you back from being all in. I also encourage you then to write a psalm. If you read the psalms there are many different kinds - lament (like a prayer), praise, thanks, anger, sadness, confusion, etc. This psalm that I had to write helped me put my experience into something that I could give back to God and then share with other people. I am in awe of God!!!